(UPDATE: Hey, if you liked these, I've posted a second batch of vignettes!)
Hey everyone! As you probably know, Ryan was gracious enough to post the entire corpus of the EPIC ANTHOLOGY that is Dinosaur Comics to help out with the anagram puzzle of doom. I still couldn't solve it, but I know that with a large enough corpus, I can use SCIENCE to generate thousands of Dinosaur Comics automatically with a simple algorithm.
Think of it as a thousand monkeys using typewriters to write Dinosaur Comics, except that they've hung out with T-Rex and the gang for, like, YEARS, and sorta know how to imitate awesome people.
None of the punchlines in any of these segments is a repeat from the original comics! Or, at least, they're not in the same context as they were in the original, which means that the random, sometimes bizarre humor is all original! Below are some of the best little snippets that have come from my experimentation with the algorithm.
Leave a comment or send me a tweet (@poloassassin) if you like any of the vignettes in particular! Maybe someone can piece some of these together, put them in an actual strip, and we can see if Ryan is funnier than a thousand monkeys pretending to be Ryan. TOUGH CALL YOU GUYS
UPDATE (3/9): Thanks to @indiebrianna at Twitter, we finally have a strip along with the art! Thanks! Click the image to see the full-size version.
And @badobber gives us another strip here! http://twitpic.com/17jfed Thanks, @badobber!
T-Rex: Maybe THESE are the spiders who thrive on stomach acid! Maybe in a week I'll be vomiting up millions of tiny red spiders, over and over until there's nothing there, just sounds, just the empty shell of a word, waterpark, the oral equivalent of a forgotten childhood toy found in adulthood, now strange and alien and no longer coloured by desire, by anything, waterpark. Did the word ever really have any meaning?
Utahraptor: I think you are confused, T-Rex.
Utahraptor: Have you noticed how our proverbs are - a little awkward?
T-Rex: Now that you mention it, YES I WILL.
Utahraptor: So who cares if everything is viewed as a business arrangement between traders without charity, then how can you have love? Love is selfless.
T-Rex: Nope! Love is selfISH. You see that, right? It's like - broccoli or something between your teeth? Maybe pesto? Anyway, it's all over the place.
3. (UPDATE: Hey you guys, this one is Ryan's favorite!)
T-Rex: The ultimatum game is an economics game thing! Two anonymous strangers have to decide how to divide a sum of money between themselves.
T-Rex: Player One proposes a non-zero split, and Player Two can either accept or reject it!
T-Rex: If Two accepts, they both take their money and go their separate ways. But if SHAKESPEARE says it, I'm spitting out my drink and saying "Wow, Shakespeare!! I'd better ask The Professor this science question, huh?"
T-Rex: There! It says: "poo".
Narrator: THE END
T-Rex: I've been thinking about gender roles! Is gender a social construct?
T-Rex: Or, does it refer specifically to the persuasion of one's naughty bits?
Dromiceiomimus: Well T-Rex, I don't mean to be inconsiderate, but shouldn't you be in bed? You're the only person I know who goes out of his way to ANNOUNCE his sickness to the world.
T-Rex: This will consummate my social ruin FOR SURE!
T-Rex: So what meaning do you see my action representing?
Utahraptor: The futility of life?
T-Rex: Aw man!
T-Rex: If that stupid Utahraptor hadn't told me his theory, I could easily make myself into a serious king by "inventing" things two hundred years old!
Utahraptor: But this sentence is just gonna be something random anyway. Why not choose a random sentence from your diary and avoid, um, THE NEED TO LIVE IN A SURVELLIANCE STATE THAT RECORDS EVERY SINGLE SPEECH ACT?
T-Rex: Why not? Why not? I'll tell you what my left hand has been up to for most of today!
T-Rex: It was going to be doing that much kissing, you'd better brush up a bit on your past successes, T-Rex.
T-Rex: What? I already stomped on it like 5 seconds ag-
T-Rex: OH MY GOODNESS HOW DID WE JUST DO THAT
T-Rex: Here are some things that DEFINITELY won't fit into my mouth. I tried! They won't fit.
Utahraptor: Super tough! And nothing's manlier than dripping mucus all over my head, Dromiceiomimus! You're so cute it's illegal!
Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS
Narrator: today's disease:
T-Rex: Smoochitis is when you join a story mid-way through, not just before the end! It's Latin for "in the Middle of things"? What you're doing is wrong!
Utahraptor: I think it's supposed to be a meat and smoke orgy, T-Rex. I'm pretty sure horses CAN do that.
T-Rex: WELL THEN. I GUESS I'LL JUST SIT HERE WITH MY FEELINGS THEN.
T-Rex: WOO HOO
T-Rex: I will become...
T-Rex: a comic artist!
T-Rex: I will give them advice on all of their problems, from being locked out of their house in a RELATIONSHIP.
T-Rex: I call it, "The Inundation".
T-Rex: No, wait. "The Deluge". "The Monsoon". No, "The Happy Swamping"!
Utahraptor: Okay, sure!
Narrator: 23 HOURS LATER, AT THE PARTY:
T-Rex: Hi guys!
Utahraptor: There's no way that would work, T-Rex! No way!
T-Rex: Try it yourself!
Utahraptor: Alright! Hmm.. well - "together you and me / Let us talk about sex"
T-Rex: OH MY GOODNESS
Narrator: IS THE WORLD DOOMED?
T-Rex: How can you act like this!?
T-Rex: What are you doing here? It's late! It's 3 AM!
Shakespeare: he started it!!
T-Rex: I feel today that my actions will be charged with symbolism.
T-Rex: Don't talk to me about intelligent design, I yell "BED BUGS HAVE INSTITUTIONALIZED STAB RAPES".
T-Rex: That - that doesn't work as well.
T-Rex: A singularity refers to a future where we all say "He's good, but he smells funny on Tuesdays"
T-Rex: The history of war is a journey. A narrative. A story that, at its core, is all about the worst moment of your birth! Billions of individuals - entire SPECIES - had risen and fallen, all conspiring together to produce one thing: you!
T-Rex: ... Then you went ahead and lost any specialness from that a second later when someone else was born. Nice one.
T-Rex: Man! He can be a challenge, especially for siblings, and Splinter provided valuable leadership and guidance on that matter and that's what the lyrics are saying. He taught them to be remarkably poorly constructed sayings.
Narrator: ICE CREAM NIGHT
T-Rex: Who wants some cake?
T-Rex: Hallowe'en is coming up!
T-Rex: A false document is when you interpret the historical past with a view from the present!
T-Rex: Its danger is not just that it is certainly windy out today.
Utahraptor: But without money people would still want to step on more tiny women!!
Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER AT THE MALL, T-REX TRIES A DIFFERENT TACK.
T-Rex: now's my chance!
T-Rex: Uh - ok, I'm a T-Rex, but, uh, all my symbolism is stripped down in exchange for a chance at happiness.
Utahraptor: I'm leaving you!
T-Rex: Good times!
T-Rex: WHAT THE HELL.
Devil: I BRING YOU NUMEROUS GREETINGS T-REX
Devil: AND A QUESTION I WISH TO POSE TO YOU
T-Rex: Aw man!
T-Rex: You know what jerkasses do when some stranger calls up and asks them questions?
Utahraptor: Hang up the phone?
T-Rex: sometimes they curse first
T-Rex: It breaks down to "Have you ever punched children, and, if so, are you still doing so?"
T-Rex: MAN, that is the LAST TIME I ever talk about feelings!
Utahraptor: What happened?
T-Rex: I suggested changing the gameplay mechanics while remaking an old game.
Utahraptor: Why bother remaking a game if you're just spitting on me
Narrator: T-REX EXPLAINS:
Utahraptor: Ah, that makes perfect sense! Thanks, T-Rex! Now I know how digital timers work.
T-Rex: You're welcome!
T-Rex: They taste a little like there's a bunch of bikes taking over a road and just going on their way. The noise of traffic is replaced by the softer sound of spokes and gears. It's pretty neat!
God: HEY T-REX THE NEXT TIME SOMEBODY ASKS YOU FOR ID YOU SHOULD PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND SAY THIS IS ALL THE THESIS DEFENSE I NEED
T-Rex: Aha, my friend, but once again I said "the ultimate friend", not "the ultimate pushover"! But I'll still do your dishes sometimes, if I'm there!
Utahraptor: Ultimate Friend, close your eyes and tell me what I think, you inconsistent bastard!
T-Rex: Don't judge me!
T-Rex: Well, as I understand it, wind is caused when high-temperature clouds interact with low-temperature clouds? And the Sheriff of Nottingham didn't like this one bit! He was so wrong.
T-Rex: When I saw someone writing a cuss, I would think that they are hot!
T-Rex: I would really like to be one HECK of a novelization.
T-Rex: I have another plan for immortality!
God: BUT THOSE PLANS NEVER WORK T-REX
T-Rex: Today is the day. Yes!
T-Rex: Today is the day I punch out the friggin' sun!!
God: TODAY IS THE DAY WHEN EVERYONE HAS TO TELL A STORY FROM THEIR PAST BEGINNING WITH "I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET TOPLESS"